Controlling Anger

Anger is an emotion that can destroy us if we do not take care to control it. People experience varying degrees of anger. Some of us are “short tempered,” which means that we get angry at the flimsiest of excuses and show irritation and disgust. Display and expression of emotions sometimes results in disastrous consequences, which may result in such people ending on the other side of the law. Some people are good at controlling their emotions and do not show their annoyance and displeasure. Instead they try to reason out with themselves or with others and try to arrive at constructive solutions to problems that were the cause of their displeasure or annoyance.

Anger can cause serious consequences like separation of wedded couples, rebellion by children, suicides by the affected people and so on. Violence resulting from anger can take devastating forms. You must have heard of “road rage” due to which drivers sometimes cause accidents that result in death.

Controlling anger is more easily said than done. Meditation, Relaxation and the like are some of the methods advocated to control anger. These aids allow us to keep our minds free and relaxed and make us concentrate on the better things of life.

Let me share a simple thought with you. Whenever you are provoked why don’t you just close your eyes for a short time and think of how you should react before actually doing so? Think of what made the other person say what provokes you. After all he or she also has a reason. Unless, of course, he or she is trying to deliberately provoke you because of dislike or jealousy. In such cases also showing a temper would be doing what the person wants you to do. Deny him or her the pleasure and smile at him and then say the right thing under the circumstances.

There are many examples that we can emulate though we can not be like them. Gandhiji said that if you are slapped, don’t show your anger, but show the other cheek. This is a bit unrealistic in today’s world, but the lesson we should draw is that no constructive result is possible by stoking the fire. We should try to douse the fire. 

Self Awareness

What is self awareness? One may find different definitions in books and publications. I would like to coin my definition as I see it. According to me, “Self awareness is the honest realization of one’s own capabilities and shortcomings without external influences.”

It is very often said that one must be honest and true to oneself. This appears simple, but is not very easy in practice. We either tend to overrate our own capabilities or tend to underplay them. Both these approaches are harmful.

The most common result of overrating our own capabilities is over confidence. We sometimes try to convince others and ourselves that we are capable of something even though we know that we are not true to ourselves.

Optimism is a desirable and laudable trait. However, optimism should be tinged with cautiousness to make it constructive and meaningful. A cautious optimist is respected for his maturity and foresight. Let me explain this with a small example that is usually quite common in today’s corporate world. A manager asks a young, dynamic, “over confident” executive whether he could make a presentation to an eminent gathering of professionals. The manager jumps at the proposal and readily agrees. His brashness and eagerness prevents him from making a mock up and discussing it with his colleagues. On the appointed day, he makes his presentation, but it ends in a fiasco. He is not able to answer the questions from the audience and cuts a sorry figure.

What effect will this type of incident have on the concerned person? He suffers a loss of self esteem and loss of self confidence. Both these effects are profound, long lasting and debilitating.

According to me a person who realizes and states his true capabilities, is not only mature, but courageous. Further, when he realizes that he has shortcomings, he is spurred to improve upon them. As the saying goes, reality bites. All of us are not leaders. The faster one realizes this, the easier it is for him to decide on his future and set targets for himself.

On the other end of the spectrum are those who are falsely “modest.” This modesty can arise out of a person’s inherent nature or out of lack of self confidence. I have also found that sometimes this effect arises because of a penchant for detail. Such people, in my opinion, have low self esteem. They are not sure of themselves, though they are capable. They hesitate to grab opportunities because they feel that challenges overwhelm them. Some of these people try to put on a show of modesty to conceal their basic, lazy nature.

There are certain other factors that relate to self awareness. As is clear form the foregoing paragraphs, self awareness is dependent of many factors, most of them behavioural.  Self awareness can also be induced by affected by harmful effects of certain relationships. A dominant spouse, parent or boss can cause a harmful effect on a person’s confidence. When this effect persists over a long time, the damage can be permanent and cause a loss of self esteem.

On the positive side, self awareness enables us to be free from unnecessary pressures and concerns and allows us to live life on our own terms. I am reminded of a signboard that I saw a few days back advertising a career option. It showed a smiling, confident lady telling her friend, “I’m not a MBA. So what?”

Summarizing, it is important to know and be aware of our own capabilities. It makes life more enjoyable and free from artificial pressures. It gives us the opportunity to know our drawbacks and work on them. Most important, it enables us to protect our self esteem.  

Friends and Friendship

“A friend in need is a friend indeed,” may be an old saying, but it summarizes friendship in as simple a form as possible. Friendship is something we live on, it is what sustains us and keeps us going. The best way of realizing the value of friendship is to ask honestly of ourselves how life would be if every one of us keeps to ourselves and refrains from sharing our thoughts and experiences with others.

The bond of friendship can be very strong if it is real. I say this because we are witness to and also at times experience the withering away of so called friendships when they become inconvenient.

When a person is successful there he has a lot of friends. He is surrounded by “friends” who are ready to do what he says. The same person becomes an untouchable for most of these “friends” when he falls from grace. 

Good friendship flows from a genuine concern for others, a desire to help and, of course, good breeding. It is a bond that is permanent and can be broken only by deceit and breach of trust.

A friend is somebody you can confide in, somebody with whom you can share your joys and pleasures. True friendship is a relationship that knows no barriers and obstacles. It is a relationship that is free from the desire of personal gain. The only benefit one derives out of friendship is a feeling of companionship and trust. It transcends all boundaries of blood relationship. To quote an old saying once again, a friend is “a shoulder to cry on and a smile to lean against.”

Having said all this, friendship sometimes is so close that it becomes blind to life’s demands and even makes one compromise one’s own principles. The best example of such blind friendship is, perhaps, found in the Hindu epic, The Mahabharata where Karan sacrifices his principles and supports Duryodhan knowing that both of them are going to meet their doom. A true friend is one who has the courage to caution and advice when he sees that the other person is doing even at the risk of incurring his wrath.

There is a lot more that can be said about friendships and good friends. A good friend brings a smile to our faces, and we are comfortable in his company. Let us thank nature and Providence that the world is not all about commerce and money. Friendships make this world a good place to be in.

Internet Relationships

Are internet relationships good or are they to be avoided? I wish I had an answer. Probably this question lurks in the minds of all people who indulge in them. I can safely say that the answer lies somewhere in between these extreme positions. Such relationships can be used effectively to one’s advantage if proper discretion is exercised. They can also result in unfavourable, unenviable and dangerous situations to unknowing users, who do not exercise proper care.

What is good?

Internet relationships, if properly used have many benefits like

-        One can make good friends with whom a close and lasting relationship can be developed. However, care should be taken not to reveal too much about oneself before checking whether the other person is genuine and is talking the truth about himself. The genuineness or otherwise of the person is revealed if the relationship is built up step by step. This means the user should converse or chat with the person over a period of time and look for suspicious statements or unnecessary haste on the other person’s part to know more about you before he shares information about himself

-        Chats on specific subjects like sports, entertainment and business are usually harmless

-        Sometimes one meets interesting people on the net who are very knowledgeable and are willing to share and teach. One should encourage such relationships

One common practice by people is to lie about their age. The only way out is to question them and try to trap them by asking them questions so that they falter at some point.

What is to be avoided?

-        Keep clear of people who are aggressive and ask you a lot of questions that they need not know

-        Avoid giving your telephone number and other details till you trust the person

-        If you are a lady you can immediately sense when the conversation is crossing its limits. In such cases tell the other person clearly and firmly to avoid contacting you. If he persists, IGNORE him

-        Choose your usernames and email address carefully . They should not include personal details like age, birthday , gender etc.

-         Be even more careful with your webcam. Only use it with people you know offline, and make sure you turn it off when you're done.

Finally, remember that your net community is a virtual world and not reality till you develop real friendships. With proper care, virtual friends can become real friends.

The Reading Habit

According to an international journal, “Reading habit is the art of personal investigation and self study. It should be followed by self thinking and analysis, and only this kind of study, on one’s own accord, can develop into good reading habit.”

So true. Reading has to be followed by thinking, introspection and analysis to assimilate what we have read. Otherwise reading is an exercise that has no value or use. Text book reading is generally done out of compulsion, as when we study for an examination or for other academic pursuits like research and so on. This type of reading cannot be classified under “reading habit.”

When we read something we should be able to think of what the writer or author is trying to convey in the written piece. Sometimes it is necessary to decipher the hidden meaning of what is written and conveyed.

Apart from all these theories, it is a fact that a good book can teach us a lot, can expand our horizons and, sometimes, the fictitious characters are large as life and teach us a few things. I recently read an article in a website whose author advises that if one has set times for reading every day.

If I were to advise a person who wants to develop the reading habit I would tell him that he had to reduce watching television and browsing the net. These “distractions” are responsible for the reading habit losing its appeal on youngsters. Having said this, it must be admitted that the proportion of youngsters in book shops is still high.

It is very important that we help youngsters inculcate this habit. Actually they can be introduced to reading at a very early age. Youngsters become more inquisitive and curious when they see written matter and graphical illustrations and pictures. Curiosity and inquisitiveness help develop young minds and makes them ready for more information.

A good source of reading material, apart from the good bookshops, is shops that sell used and old books. We sometimes get very good and rare books here, as some people are not aware of their value and sell them off.

As a librarian , I want  my all books to be issued with all shelves empty.... :)

Summarizing, it must be said that a determined effort is necessary to popularize the reading habit. The onus of this is on the present generation.

Business Etiquette – As seen by a layman

 Etiquette is “not about fork and knife” – it’s about consideration and respect toward the people around us.

Etiquette is a very important factor in our daily lives, as it defines our behaviour with people with whom we come across. Display of good etiquette makes a strong statement on our general manners, our upbringing and our concern for others. In business, etiquette is important, especially in international dealings as it gives others an idea of our country and our values. In this short note, I am listing some good practices concerning business etiquette as I see it

·         When a visitor comes to your office see that he is welcomed and taken to the person or persons he or she wants to meet. This is especially important in companies where knowledge is guarded. Apart from showing courtesy to the visitor it ensures that he does not move into restricted areas

·         In any meeting where guests are present, welcome them at the start and inform them on the location of the washrooms and evacuation procedures in the event of an emergency

·         When walking with others in a corridor, ensure that, if you are in the lead that you follow certain good practices. When you approach a door that opens outward go ahead, open the door and move aside with the door opened to let the others pass. If the door opens towards you, hold it open to allow the others to pass first

·         When in a meeting allow others to talk without interrupting them midway. They should be allowed to finish what they are saying after which you can respond

·         Be punctual. You cannot waste others’ time

·         Dress well. It gives a good impression

·       Do not pull up your subordinates in public. You can do it in private. If done in public it will hurt his pride

One thing I was in doubt till a few years back was whether there was any protocol or norm to be followed when introducing people. This is because introductions are practically the first thing we do before a meeting or official interaction starts. Let me share with you what I have learnt after studying some literature on the subject.

Introductions have to be done in the proper manner to make the all important "first impression.” Here are some tips that may make you wiser.

-     In social situations remember to introduce the man to the lady

-     In business situations the person with a higher rank is introduced to the rest first

-     In formal meetings it is always good to add a line on the person’s background or achievements when making introductions

-     Finally, if it is possible, try to space out the introductions so that people remember each other